~! A World of Love !
Live to Love, Love to Live ~
Horray ... one more paper to go... hehe.. okie okie .. i know there are a lot of ppl out there that finished their exam already .. but still i want to say .. at least .. finally .. my last paper is on thurs ..hehee... then i will have fun fun n fun .. haha ...
today is a very interesting day for mi .. though i have a paper in the morning ...i still have lots of fun ... hehe .. first was the cool man i saw on my bus ...think he must be in his late 20s or early 30s .. but he look damn cool... with the fit fit body ... n he really know how to dress up .. eye candy for mi man ..haha ... have my paper at 9 at mpsh 5.... basic translation ... n its spo so stupid ... i'm suppose to translate jiang nan .. yes ..the song ... goodness.. n n .. there is this idiom - dont gild the lily .. at first i dun understand wat it mean.. but guess wat .. i can find the answer in the dic ... so stupid .. hhehe ....at least overall its a okie module i guess..
study for a while but guess i was just not in the mood to study cos i just have a paper .. n feel like relaxing since my next paper is thurs ... so in the end , i ended up playing mahjong .. hehe... n i'm really really lucky .. hehe.. especially with tristan around.. haha .. won 17 bucks ..ehehe.. at first i was actually losing ... so thought i shouldnt be playing ... hehe.. but who know .. i so lucky... thats not all ... after that , i went down to meet ying for ktv session ..hehe. yes the two of us again ..hehe.. feeling so happy ... haven been singing for such a long time ..hehe... feel like i finish all my exam liao ..hehe....
hmm.. anyway.. think i play too much liao .. tml really going to go sch to study .....hehe ...wish mi luck for my last module ..hehe..
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/30/2004 01:20:00 AM
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Just finish my 3rd paper yesterday.. hehe.. happy happy ... 2 more papers left .. but one dun need to study one. . cos it overlap with my the other module ..so basically i onli have one more module left on the thurs.. so i'm like .. back to my "sian sian waiting for my paper to start" mood again ... have been suffering for this since my last paper on sat.. waited for like a week before i have my next paper .. so everyday, i will go to sch , study study n see my frenz come back from exam n say ya .. one paper down again .. n mi ... still got 3 papers... hehe.. but its okie .. at least i got more than enough time to finish all my reading n relax a bit here n there.. hehe....
was super stressed on thurs nite becos i realised that there are still some terms that i'm not sure of .. n i'm goin to have my paper the next day... stressed... think everyone can see a mad woman asking for all econ major ppl to free ride .. hehe. .n of course i dun sleep well that night too... it fact dun think i actually really fall asleep.. i was so afraid that i wun do well... this is the module that i'm most worried abt ... the good thing is.... ＩTS ＯＶＥＲ ．．．．．． ｈａｐｐｙ ．．．
to relax a bit ... i played bridge for like at least 2 hr ...heheh.... n i'm so lucky... played like 20 over rounds or more n i onli lose less than 5 rounds.... hehe... can u believe it ...heheh... never have such a luck before man ..hehe... hope my luck will help mi with my paper.. heheh....Then i went to watch moive with juv n ju at night .... wanted to watch Taxi ... but the onli show time is 11 plus ...so in the end we watch Umizaru.... at first , i didnt even know that there is such show... just i haven been updating myself cos of the exam.... but since juv say its nice... i dun mind watching ... as long as its not the Incredible ... cos i dun reallly like to watch cantoon in the threate ... anyway, that moive is so so so so nice .... Good looking guys n gals with good body .... beautiful underwater scene ( i so so want to scuba dive) .... the show is romantic, funny and touching ..... its so so nice...hehe.... think i'm either goin to watch again or i will buy its vcd .... ehehe...
So happy .. at least i caught a good show yesterday... never waste my 8.50 bucks ...hehe.. hmm.... now its back to notes, textbook and exam ..hehe.. just a few more days n i will get my freedom... cant wait for my exam to be over.. i already got plans for my holi ..heheh.e....
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/27/2004 02:33:00 PM
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TOTAL MARITAL MISCOMMUNICATION!!
(This is a true story, dictated by the person who experienced all the pains and trials).
Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps of our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.
Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery.
Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.
Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it." Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."
There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle. Mother hates it most when hubby wa kes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial _expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.
From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room.
Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"
After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.
That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed:"LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.
The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it.
We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? for no reason, i keep having having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.
Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab.
At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.
That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.
The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?
Throughout the funeral, hubby did say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her... I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.
Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me.
I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished.
I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.
One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, you are pregnant?"
Since mother's accident , this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.
Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?
Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.
It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes c aused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.
Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle tha! t he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..."
From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there. Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally,could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are al! l written on the packaging..."
Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/25/2004 08:52:00 AM
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suppose to be in sch by now to do my revision for my exam .. but yes ..i'm online... wanted to write this onli after my exam... since i'm here now .. i muz well just write it down now .. in case i forgot again .. haha
think i started on this blog like 1yr plus ago ... the purpose for mi to write a blog is for mi to express my inner feeling which i dun dare to say it out but want ppl to know ... or at least a place where i can release out my anger , happiness etc ... however, i found that i have not been doing wat i'm suppose to do ... in fact, there was a lot of time where i wanted to write some stuff down .. but i didnt .. for fear that someone might read it ... then i'm not expressing myself .... of course, i have a right to write wat i want to write ... but .. i just feel that i'm being more n more reserve when writing stuff down my blog ...
i'm glad that there is actually ppl reading my blog or at least there are ppl that like my blog .. ppl like yew, sumit ... thanks for the positive comment on my blog ...
i'm actually not afraid of letting stranger know wats happen to my life .. but more of afraid ppl that i know know wat i'm thinking ... contridicting rite ... haha ... but if i dun write wat i feel ... ppl will never know too rite .. haha ..
recently, i have been wondering whether to let go of a feeling that i have ... but i soon realise that i should have let go long time ago.. for it will be better for mi .... wat for hang on to something that will never happen or work out ... i have heard too much from many ppl .. some say i deserve someone better .. some say i shouldnt give up just like that ... i should make the first move etc etc etc... but i come to know that i'm really not the kind of gal that will make the initial move unless the other parnter show a sign or something like that ... maybe i'm not suitable to be in any relationship now ... haha .. enough is enough... i really dun like to dance cha cha anymore. .. never mind if u dun understand .. haha ... i'm really happy with wat i have now ... n i believe i will be happier if i let go than if i'm go all the way in ... why jump into the wu di dong when u already know its wu di ... hhaha ....
i think that the pro with mi ... cos i'm too sensitive.. so when i like a person .. i will want to know everything abt the person ..or at least .. all possible thing ... but that will be a very horrible thing if i'm nothing to the person ... n i will feel extra horrible to get into the person life when he dun really think i have the right too ... haha ... wat m i talking man ... i guess all i want to say is i will feel bad to be so kia po but i cant help it .. cos thats wat i am ... so onli if i will to let go of the feeling that i have... then i wun be so kia po ... n i can always mantain the good friendship that we have... hhaha ...for i really treasure this friend....
oh ya... one more thing... just to inform all viewers that i might be changing the pattern of my blog after my exam ... that is if i can find a better design .. hehe ... n most likely i will.. hhehe ..so if u like this design .. too bad .. hehe.. come up more often to take ur last few look . hehe ...
thats all for now. . cos i already wasted 1hr 30min of my time which i'm suppose to use for my revision ... hehe.. off to sch now ...
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/16/2004 09:39:00 AM
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Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived:
Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others, including Love.
One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so they all prepared their boats and left.Love was the only one who stayed. Love wanted to stay with the island until it started sinking.
When Love was almost sinking, she decided to ask for help. Richness came by Love in a beautiful boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't.. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."
Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and you may damage my boat," Vanity answered.
Sadness was close by so again Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh...Love, I am so sad that I prefer to go alone!"
Happiness passed by Love too, but she was so happy that she did not listen when Love called her!!
Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love became so happy that she even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived on dry land, the elder went on his own way. Love asked Knowledge, another elder, the name of the elder who had helped her. "It was Time," answered Knowledge. "Time? But why did Time help me?" asked Love.
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is," answered Knowledge.
"Take the time to know what Real Love is".
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/14/2004 04:31:00 PM
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its always good to have frenz around...
when u are sad or angry , at least ur frenz is around to lend a listening ear n to cheer u up ...
recently i have a really bad temper ... n i mean really bad... i will get angry over a small matter that i think i shouldnt be getting angry with ... but i just cant help it cos anger just start to build up ... when i try to calm down .. i get even more angry... then i started to blame myself for getting angry over a small issue ...n thats feeling is really really bad... i dunno wats wrong with mi ..so dun ask mi ...
but good thing is i always have frenz around that come on the right time to make mi cry my heart out so that i will feel better ...
i guess i will not be so pissed if its other ppl ....there is lots of stuff that i want to say .. but i dunno how to say or cos i will prefer to keep it to myself now ... hmm ... maybe its time i be more firm with myself ... be more self centred ... haha ... self centred ?? then it wun be mi ... hehe
anyway , i'm feeling better now ... thanks u ... to all my frenz that are there for mi always .... i feel like a lucky child to have u all around ...
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/08/2004 10:57:00 PM
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ahh.... exam is just down the corner ... n i'm not even in the mood yet... have been studying for my translation thingy.. n thats it ...in fact, i also dunno wat i'm doing... translate n translate.. also dunno how much i have understand ... stress stress ...
going to start studying for my money n banking .. n thinking of it make mi even more not in the mood ... haha .. cos i'm not good at all at writing essay.. why on earth did i take this stupid module .. got a feeling that my cap this sem will be pull down a lot... hmm.. but still i got to put in effort... just hope that exam will be over soon.. n n .. i'm looking forward for the holi ..hehe.. cant wait for the holi ..hehe..
think i'm really a stupid idiot ... the words are already on my mouth n yet i still dun dare to ask .. wat the problem with mi man .. wat m i afraid of man ... just ask la .... stressing myself up even more for nothing ... hai ..
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/01/2004 11:27:00 PM
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