~! A World of Love !
Live to Love, Love to Live ~
My exam started tml. i have been perparing for it days and nights recently, but out of a sudden, i feel distracted again.Really wanted to concentrate for it as its something i need to do. Studying in school with frenz, going swimming, sometime going out early to eat with ying or at home n sometime staying over night in school to "study". Life for me have been nothing but studying.
But then, i received a msg from him yesterday. was really surprised cos i couldnt believe that he will msg me at this stage, after all the thing that happen.
Actually, i also couldnt really explain how could we get till this stage. Everything has been fine except when we start quarrelling. As i always say, its not abt the love that we have for each other, its the understanding, accepting n giving in part. I really bu gan xin.... after alll we have been through, after so long, after so much, we have to end up like this. I have been extremely not like me recently. with exam, stress everything..... i felt so jealous when i see couples.... they seems so happy ...
back to the point that i received a msg from him. He ask whether i will be interested to join him for his thai trip. Actually, i know why he ask, becos i told him before, but what i dun understand is why ask now? how could he ask now after wat happen? Is he trying to tell me something by asking or m i thinking too much? will he really want mi to go? how will we feel if i agree to go without even solving our stuff first? There are so many qns in my mind when he msg me.but i jus dunno how to put it across to him... its not as easy as him think, "if u want can join us"...of course i can join if i want.. but will i really enjoy myself or eventually i will get wrost.... Sometime i just wish that i haven been so hot-tempered and rush. If i could think of the consequences before reacting, maybe we will not end up like this .. n i will definitely go on a holi with him... cos i really wanted to go on a holi with him...
i dreamt of him yesterday night, dreaming of him going to depart from the airport, dreaming of 3 situations whereby - first: i'm going with him. n wat will happen at thai. second: i dun go with him. but i go n send him off. Third: i dun go with him n i dun go n send him either... i really hope i could choose the first... but then i rejected his offer. i'm kinda regret, but i need to be firmed abt it ...cos everything when i followed my heart blindly without thinking of the consequences, it always cock up .... but my second concern is actually the money pro... he is going for a week and dun have the money to go, n i will be losing chances to earn money... but then, if he really wish that i will go with him, i really dun mind to put down everything... but he didnt .. he didnt tell mi anything.... that make mi sad.... he should know that if he say something, i will definitely agree .. but he choose to keep quiet. thats means, he is not really keen on having mi following as well.... I'm just assuming....
I need to work on the 26, 27, 29th of dec.... n maybe my tut will start again... n i might be going to learn my motor riding.... so i couldnt afford the time for anyone else except for him. ... i hope he can understand that ... but then, so wat if he understand that...
On one end, i hope my exam will be over in a min. On the other, i dun hope so, becos the end of exam will mean the decision.... a decision that i not keen on.... not expecting.... yet couldnt be avoided.... For the time being, i really feel that there is nothing that can interest mi.... really nothing.... the onli small thing that can can at least excite me is the motor riding.... something that no one agree to let me learn but something that i always wanted to learn.... i have to go learn it cos if i dun.. there is nothing that i'm looking forward to... not even coming back home....
thats how sucking i'm feeling .....
posted by Trish daydreaming at 11/14/2003 10:59:00 AM
